How To Form A Stable Identity
“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” — Oscar Wilde
To embrace our true identity, we must rise above our known existence and associate with our core self. The American author and philosopher Howard Thurman said: “There is something in every one of you that waits and listens for the sound of the genuine in yourself. It is the only accurate guide you will ever have. And if you cannot hear it, you will all of your life spend your days on the ends of strings that somebody else pulls.”
That something Thurman speaks of is the silent whisper of our soul crying out for us to merge with it. However, we must become silent long enough to recognise its voice. We repeatedly drown out the call of our inner wisdom by obscuring it with disempowering thoughts. This becomes apparent since many people hide behind a fictitious persona to please others. As a result, uncertainty arises when others no longer identify with us, so we form our entire personality around pleasing them. We should welcome our individuality, since our identity is fluid and undergoes many transformations as we develop.
Therefore, it is unwise to forsake your negative qualities in favour of positive ones, since you’re already complete with your developing character. For instance, if we discard the negative facets of ourselves, how can we devote attention to our personal transformation? Our authentic self often takes a backseat to build a public persona, which we try hopelessly to defend. Yet behind closed doors we are like a theatre actor who looks forward to coming off stage. In other words, your identity develops throughout your life. Comparable to a house, once a stable identity is constructed, there’s little to bring about its collapse.
Beyond embracing our true identity remains the desire to embody our core self, which is bestowed in peace, love, and harmony. This is your default nature and if we stray from this ideal, we invite disharmony and dis-ease into our lives. Similarly, to entertain disempowering thoughts such as victimhood, anger, fear, and hate, we detach from our core self. This is because we disconnect from our true identity, which lies beneath the surface of the constructed self. This authentic self is obscured because we forget our way amongst the countless thoughts related to our identity. Are you happy with this understanding that there is a ‘true’ or ‘authentic’ self within you waiting to emerge? It requires letting go of that which stands in the way of associating with it.
Honour Who You Are
“Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am.” — Parker J. Palmer
Here’s an idea to contemplate: your identity is not determined by how you make a living, rather, it is shaped by who you are and who you become as an individual. Speak to anyone made redundant following years of work and they’ll convey the void missing in their life. This is linked to identifying with their job instead of their underlying nature. They identify with their occupation and are lost when they no longer have that to look forward to. It’s as complex and as straightforward as this: If your occupation no longer reinforces your identity, who are you beneath that? Moreover, our successes and disappointments don’t govern our identity, they add a piece to the puzzle.
To recognise our true identity, we must surrender fixed labels, cultural paradigms, and opinions of who we are. Only then can we form an identity devoid of limiting beliefs. For example, in an earlier article, I pointed out how our concept of our self regulates our identity to reinforce negative or empowering qualities. Where attention is concentrated becomes our focal point. Therefore, to associate our identity with our self-worth when it’s reliant on satisfying others is destructive in the long run. What if others change their opinions of us? Without warning, if we’re to appease them, we must change our identity once again to satisfy them. The downfall of living this way is that we’re not being genuine with ourselves or nurturing who we are.
Expressed differently: you are not the sum of your mistakes, yet if you allow them to define you, they will consume you. It was St. Thomas who wrote: “If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not, it will destroy you.” However, if you appreciate that your prior mistakes helped you awaken your authentic self, you build a bridge to show your true identity. Similarly, many people give up their identity when they begin a new relationship. There’s a sense of agreement as partners seek to live as one instead of divided. Here, we abandon facets of our identity to please our partner because we fear we might lose them. Consequently, individuals struggle to recover their identity once the relationship breaks down.
The answer lies in being unapologetically you in every situation. This means people will reject us while others welcome us. I consider this the best display of who we ought to lean towards. Honour who you are and take pleasure in the individual you are, realising you are a work in progress. You will continue to develop until the moment you no longer inhabit your physical body. Don’t go to war with yourself or oppose aspects which you disapprove, instead, incorporate them into the wholeness of your being. As an exercise to solidify your understanding of this, write in your journal 5 ways to embrace your true identity. For instance, you might learn to speak up for yourself more often, whether in professional circles or personally. Rather than hold grudges, express yourself irrespective of how it is received. You needn’t be disrespectful or rude about it, but choosing to remain silent is dishonouring your authentic self. When you dare to embrace your true identity, it is then you discover the person you are all along.
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Tony Fahkry
Expert Life Coach
