The Power of Self-Acceptance vs Self-Improvement
“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” — Brene Brown.
In a world where self-improvement is considered the pinnacle of personal growth, embracing all aspects of ourselves may seem contradictory. Yet, authentic self-empowerment is not about erasing our apparent flaws but accepting them as an essential part of who we are. As British psychologist Robert Holden stated: “No amount of self-improvement can make up for any lack of self-acceptance.” In a culture fixated on personal development, could the key to inner peace be self-acceptance rather than constant personal change? Let’s explore how embracing ourselves can create a more profound and lasting transformation.
In 2023, the self-help industry was a 41.23 billion dollar business globally, according to market research. While there is value in improving our outlook on life, neuroscience suggests 77% of our thoughts are negative. Try this little experiment to test this idea in the next few hours. Repeat every thought aloud (if you are alone) and notice how often it is negative. Even a thought as simple as: “I can’t be bothered doing the dishes” or “The weather is miserable today” is considered a negative thought. Self-talk language can influence our subconscious mind and potentially impact our emotions, behaviors, and mental well-being. I mention this because our thoughts shape our inner world and our lives.
While I don’t intend to paint a grim picture of the mind, something has to give if we seek inner peace and happiness. A lack of self-acceptance can contribute to the development and persistence of disempowering thoughts. Similarly, past experiences, negative beliefs, and external pressures can also impact negative thinking patterns—affecting our self-worth. Brené Brown, the social researcher, wrote an insightful book titled The Gifts of Imperfection. Her quote above reminds us that owning our story and loving ourselves is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.
Our lack of self-acceptance may show in how we view ourselves and judge others. To take this idea further, I frequently overhear people in conversation who refer to the opposite sex as “damaged goods” or “having baggage.” The inference is tied to intimate relationships and represents the likelihood of a person bringing their emotional trauma (in the form of baggage) into a relationship. Instead of viewing ourselves as damaged goods, we should accept ourselves as we are. This does not underscore the need for continual self-improvement, yet it flies in the face of disowning parts of ourselves we dislike. Accepting yourself as you are means embracing the darkness and the light, the Shadow Self. For instance, How often do you use the term “baggage” when discussing potential partners? How can viewing your past hurts as growth change your relationships? I invite you to reflect on your answers over the coming paragraphs.
Practical Steps to Cultivate Self-Acceptance
“Self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship with myself.” — Nathaniel Branden.
While understanding the importance of self-acceptance is a good starting point, having practical ways to apply it in our lives is helpful. Self-acceptance doesn’t happen overnight; it’s a gradual practice that requires patience and self-compassion. Consider the following simple steps to start building this habit:
1. Daily self-appreciation:
Write one thing you appreciate about yourself in your journal daily. This small practice can shift your focus from your faults to your strengths.
2. Reframe your inner critic:
When you notice yourself thinking, “I’m not good enough,” try to reframe it to something kinder, such as, “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.” This can help to cultivate a more compassionate inner voice.
3. Affirm your wholeness:
Consider incorporating a daily affirmation such as: “I am enough as I am.” Repeat it frequently as a reminder that your self-worth is not tied to perfection.
Owning Every Part of Yourself: Beyond Perfection
“I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence.” — Frederick Douglass.
While the daily practices outlined above can help us cultivate self-acceptance, genuine self-acceptance entails embracing every part of ourselves—even the aspects we want to change. This reminds me of a conversation with an acquaintance recently who said something that evoked a realization in me. She suggested there comes a point in a person’s life when it becomes exhausting to keep up a false image of who you think you are. Rather than defend this image, it is easier to own your pain rather than go to war with it. She used a poignant phrase to convey self-acceptance: “Yes, I am all those things.” She suggested that I am all those things I love about myself, yet I am all those things I dislike. I thought this powerful realization shines the light on our dual nature.
We are the contrast of many states, i.e., angry vs loving, but we occupy these transitory states, and they don’t define who we really are. How is it possible to disown parts of ourselves and maintain inner peace? For instance, I may experience anger, jealousy, anxiety, or self-criticism, yet I can also be loving, kind, and peaceful. To focus only on my imperfections underscores the uniqueness of my other qualities. I give them energy and power by focusing on my weaknesses without recognizing my other favorable attributes. If I identify only with my inadequacies, I inflate them without considering they are one aspect of my being. As I learn to accept them, they merge into my true nature. In other words, separation tries to deceive us into believing our brokenness obscures our wholeness. Are these ideas resonating with you? Do you feel comfortable accepting all aspects of yourself, knowing this can reveal your inherent wholeness?
In his book, The Deepest Acceptance, author Jeff Foster reminds us of a fundamental truth: “Deep acceptance always destroys our false stories. What you long for is a deep intimacy with your own experience—the deepest acceptance of every thought, sensation, and feeling.” To create deep intimacy with ourselves requires self-acceptance and integration of our being without being at war with it. You go to war with yourself when you disown parts of you that you dislike. Therefore, liberate yourself from the unworthiness trap by viewing yourself from the perspective of wholeness. An apple is still an apple despite its flaws, imperfections, and discolorations, or whether I take a bit from it. So it is with our true nature.
By embracing all parts of ourselves, our strengths or flaws, we can experience a deeper and more authentic form of personal growth. Self-acceptance is not about giving up on our growth. It’s about accepting all parts of ourselves and ending the inner battle. Like an apple with its blemishes, our distinctive characteristics, light and dark, form the uniqueness of our being. When we accept ourselves, shortcomings, and all, we stop the exhausting task of trying to fix ourselves and allow real growth to happen. So, the next time you catch yourself embroiled in self-criticism, pause and remind yourself: ‘Yes, I am all those things.’
Are You Ready to Transform Your Life with Confidence?
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Tony Fahkry
Expert Life Coach
